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TaggTeamWithToni: I'm going through a painful breakup – how do I handle my mgowo?

Fri, Jul 22, 2022

Through tarot readings, Bakang uses meditation and mindfulness to provide guidance on matters ranging from love and career to their life paths

Q: I’ve recently come out of a long-term relationship and I don’t know where to go from here. How do I handle this mgowo? 

A: First of all, I’d like to say that heartbreak can be brutal, regardless of the amount of time spent with someone. The last time someone broke up with me, we’d only been together for about two months, but it was such an unpleasant surprise that I actually went into shock and my blood pressure dropped. My body was cold to the touch for days as I tried to process the dissolution of the bond.

When we break up with people it is the end of a whole routine and rapport with someone. Even when you try to stay friends and make the transition as easy as possible, the change in how you interact is glaring and it can be extremely hard to feel your way through the darkness and find the light at the end of the tunnel when, at some point, this person was your light.

As much as people caution against making a person your ‘home,’ for many people their understanding of community is someone feeling like home – feeling safe and familiar and capable of protecting them and providing refuge from the outside world. A breakup, therefore, can feel like a colossal displacement and the refuge being taken from you.

We all react to that differently and there is no right way to navigate that kind of pain internally. You just do your best to not go mad. There is no pill to make the pain go away and you can’t rush the process. You know how people say, “the only way through it, is through it?” This is very much that.

As appealing as it may be to spiral in the thick of things, it’s imperative to resist the urge to do more damage to yourself and your emotional wellbeing. We all have different toxic coping mechanisms we gravitate towards when we’re feeling hopeless.

It’s imperative to find things that keep you anchored in the bigger picture and the outside world – things that remind you that there is a world out there and slivers of goodness outside of the murky waters you’re wading through.

I lay like a literal fish out of water, cold and struggling to breathe, as I watched my ex tweet whole threads about some nonsense topic while he ignored my texts and all I could do was text my best friend about how thoroughly my world had been rocked.

Closure wasn’t a thing I could get because my ex did that thing people do when they break up with you and become cruel overnight. So, every day I would just take tiny steps to release the bile that was building up within me myself. It’s funny how starting a relationship requires the input of both parties but when it comes to breakups someone can just act like whatever you have to say doesn’t matter and subsequently make you feel discarded and unimportant.

There will be days for crying and days for angry processing. There will be days when it doesn’t matter and days when nothing else seems to matter. If you take it day-by-day and are attentive and receptive to what your emotions need, eventually you find a way out of the deep end, because the spirit is resilient and it will force you to find a way to survive.

Love is a beautiful thing to have and a hard thing to lose, especially when you didn’t expect it. There is no one-size-fits-all for it, all we can do is show up earnestly and do our best to handle it and ourselves well at the end of the day.

  • If you would like Toni aka Bakang to answer your personal questions – whether they are about the meaning of life, love problems or colleagues with weird vibes – DM us on Twitter. We'll keep you anonymous 😉

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